I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Although I've always been easily led by my imagination, I was, and I remain, a rational person.

Photography's like this baby that needs to be fed all the time. It's always hungry.

If I ever did cross over I would like to do it tactfully. I don't want to offend anyone in country. Can you have the best of both worlds? I sure like the idea of it!

My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.

The diameter of each day is measured by the stretch of thought - not by the rising and setting of the sun.

And my wrist froze STAGE FRIGHT

I owe my life to blood donors. I'm forever grateful to people who donate.

Each profession has its own toolkit.

Russians understand the rhythm of despair.

I studied one term of law and then came to realize I had a little better fastball and curve than I did a vocabulary.