I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Drive fast, take chances.  Interpretation: Don't worry about breaking the emotional speed limit.  Rush headlong into life and enjoy every moment of exhilaration!

When you truly start to care about someone you become vulnerable to all sorts of things.

You're not trying to find the answer to a question, you're simply trying to confirm something you desperately want to believe: that everyone is evil.

I said it was simple. Not easy.

Orange is the color of the sun. It is vital and a good color generally, indicating thoughtfulness and consideration of others.

Force ought to follow justice and not to precede.

Self-conscious rejection of the absolute is the best way to resist God; thus illusion, the substance of life, is saved.

I said to myself, 'If you don't sit down to it today, when will you ever sit down to it?'

Is it easier for a man to live his life again as a fish, than to accept the wonder of being human? So alone, so frightened, so wanting for what we are afraid to give tongue to.

I enjoyed [Celebrity Ghost Stories]. I never thought in a million years that I would tell people that I saw a ghost. And I've seen a lot of ghosts.