I'm stranded all alone in the gas station of love, and I have to use the self service pump.

It doesn't take a military genius to see we'll all be crispy critters after World War III.

As my father used to tell me, the only true sign of success in life is being able to do for a living that which makes you happy.

In heaven there is no beer. That's why we drink ours here.

If money can't buy happiness, then I guess I'll have to rent it.

You got me stranded on the bungee tower of love.

I'm still a geek on the inside, that's the important thing.

At this point I've got a bit of a track record. So people realize that when 'Weird Al' wants to go parody, it's not meant to make them look bad... it's meant to be a tribute.

If you want to avoid heated arguments, never discuss religion, politics, or whether the toilet paper roll should go over or under.

As a wise man once said, “April Fools Day is for amateurs. You NEVER need an excuse to mess with people's heads.”

Nows the time to go for all the gusto you can grab. You'll have plenty of time to be low-key when you're laid out on the slab.

Many families remain for years in the same place, though both husband and wife are sick of it, simply because there is neither complete division nor agreement between them.

Against eternal injustice, man must assert justice, and to protest against the universe of grief, he must create happiness.

When you have to do something, you have to do it. Putting it off only makes it worse. Believe me, I know.

Guns are dangerous. The only thing more dangerous is not having them.

Frankly, too many women treat their husbands as accessories instead of priorities.

I do feel we have several great keepers on this team. We just need to get them that experience.

I was a stranger and you took me in. -Joji G. Shoji, d. 1921

The Republican Primaries were quite interesting. The establishment had its candidate, [Mitt] Romney, a kind of a Wall Street lawyer and investor, and they wanted him in. But the base didn't want him.

["2012"] it was really more about the subject matter, and to do a modern retelling of Noah's Ark, a flood story.

I have always worried about things more than I should.