I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

In Western Civilization, our elders are books.

False prophet: A prophet whose god is not yet known

Maxim 28: If the price of collateral damage is high enough, you might be able to get paid for bringing ammunition home with you.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

In art, the hand can never execute anything higher than the heart can imagine.

People come telling the truth. When I ask how thing are in the States, they don't give me the okeydoke. They say, "Honey, things are hard." It reminds me I have to keep struggling.

This no longer a state of mind it's a reality, this is the beginning of an opportunity that hasn't presented itself in Collin County or any other county in the country.

Many live in the ivory tower called reality; they never venture on the open sea of thought.

If you can't laugh at yourself, life is going to seem a whole lot longer than you'd like.

The president has declared that the debate over government-controlled health care is over. That will come as news to the millions of Americans who will elect Mitt Romney so we can repeal Obamacare.

Simply put: time is fluid. The faster your world spins out of control, the slower timer crawls. The more time you need, the less you're sure to get. It's all relative