I like doing a funny show where I don't have to act and fall in love with a girl.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

The writer’s life is frightful. I have experienced deep dispair, mental ill and attempt of suicide.

Remember, people who peek through keyholes have to expect an occasional poke in the eye.

...Changelessness is decay.""A paradox. There is no decay without a change for the worse.""Changelessness is a change for the worse...

I mean that if you are not absolutely sure of a thing, it is so difficult to commit yourself to a definite course of action.

Truth always originates in a minority of one, and every custom begins as a broken precedent.

When I have one week to solve a seemingly impossible problem, I spend six days defining the problem. Then, the solution becomes obvious.

I was once a student in a punk T-Shirt hooked on screwed-up scenarios. Thats how I became the esteemed cultural figure that I am today.

My mission is to suffer for all those who suffer without knowing it. I must pay for them, expiate their unconsciousness, their luck to be ignorant of how unhappy they are.

Nobody ever lends money to a man with a sense of humor.

I beg the Lord to grant us more politicians who are genuinely disturbed by the state of society, the people, the lives of the poor!