Norm MacDonald Quotes
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They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.
I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.
Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.
Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.
When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.
I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.
You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.
You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.
The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.
I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.
Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite.
There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood.
There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion.
In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That's what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn't have a stupid opinion about it.
My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.
All my life's about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn't cost very much money.
The praise we seek for our own virtues sometimes tempts us to flatter the imperfections of other men.
I think clever people think that poor people are stupid.
I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you're all right. I don't have to go to premières.
Instead of loving your enemies, have no enemies to love.
A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.
There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.
I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don't remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio.
It is vain to complain of fortune while we fail in policy and conduct.
Many people are skeptical about marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Pressley. They say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit at home type, while Michael Jackson is more of a homosexual pedophile.
We advise others better than ourselves.
In estimating the adversities of life, we would seldom have much reason to complain of the evils we suffer, did we understand the dangers we daily escape.
With the ambitious, the failure of one expedient is the suggestion of another; but with the irresolute, defeat usually occasions abandonment of purpose.
They that are fated to be fools, have one consolation, that they are fated also to be ignorant of it.
Ignorance is better than knowledge misapplied.
The joy a person is usually seen to express at the conversion of another to his opinion is seldom more than the impulse of egotistical satisfaction at being considered worthy of didactic imitation.
Enjoyment inflames love in some men, and extinguishes it in others: the wind that assists large vessels, upsets small ones.
Hypocrisy is the outward acknowledgment of inward shame.
He that searches for praise will often find contempt.
It is often better to be restricted to necessity than unconfined in the measure of our desires: prosperity destroys more individuals than adversity ruins.
Reason is always weak where prejudice is strong.
A suspicious person is the rival of him that deceives, both seem to practice a knowledge of cunning device, and equable sense of disengenuous merit.
Chastity is oftener owing to diffidence and shame, than to fortitude of reason or virtue.
The beginning of wisdom is the knowledge of folly.
They're like ''You're an alcoholic.'' I go ''No, I'm not.'' and then-apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know?
Most men appear wiser in their doubts than in their belief.
I generally have a real strong idea or a strong punchline, and I just try to get to it by rambling around, as I don't like to memorize words.
We often suffer more from our fears, than from the dangers of our situation.
Envy, like a false mirror, distorts the symmetry of the sweetest form.
The most frequent cause of regret for what we have done is because its effects interfere with what we would do.
Some people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain.
All that weak people learn from disappointment, is less confidence in future enterprise.
The man that does not fear punishment, little regards crime.
Liberty, like health, appears most precious when lost.
Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit.