The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite.

I got into filmmaking in order to tell very personal stories, and in this day and age, the opportunity seems all the more precious.

Judgments about who belongs in the Hall of Fame are extremely subjective.

I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.

One of the things young people always ask me about is what is the secret to success. The secret is there is no secret. It's the basics. Blocking and tackling.

We are in a race between knowledge and catastrophe. If we keep track of what is important, never lower our standards or forget why we are here, we have the ability to determine the fate of the world.

For every fresh stage in our lives we need a fresh education, and there is no stage for which so little educational preparation is made as that which follows the reproductive period.

Cowardice was undoubtedly one of the most terrible vices - thus spoke Yeshua Ha-Nozri. 'No, philosopher, I disagree with you: it is the most terrible vice!

I do not give a damn what I look like, I don't. I wish I could pay attention because Gwen Stefani, say, looks flawless. Of course, when I'm on red carpets, I'm nervous, sweaty, and weird.

I'm just a vessel of information.

It's surprising how a minor slump in sales can have a huge impact, and can actually cut so significantly into margin that the company really feels it.