I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy who comes with the picture frame.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

I improvise therefore I exist!

So you are the brash young lover returned from the dead?" the Frenchman finally said."And you are the devoted fiance returned from the card room, " Robert shot back...

Sir, I did not count your glasses of wine, why should you number up my cups of tea?

The weak mind is irritated at a little: the strong mind bears it like a rock which moveth not, though a thousand breakers dash upon it, and cast their pitiful malice in spray upon its summit.

I am gone and am not coming back, but I remember everything.

I really hope that what we are doing inspires young Mexican girls not to be afraid to get involved in sports.

The title is one of the most important things. It is the first thing that people read.

My father was very funny, so I grew up with humor in the house. And I was always really attracted to comedies on TV. I was always really attracted to comics.

If you die and i live there's no life for me back in District 12. You're my whole life. I would never be happy again.

Every once in a while someone along the road lets us know how far behind we are. A man shouts: ‘Faster!’ He probably thinks bicycle racing is about going fast.