I heard this rumor that al Qaeda is merging with Hamas. Yeah, I got that tip from Martha Stewart.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Awesome ‪‎Leadership‬ is encouraging others to take initiative, challenge what is status quo improve it and feel pride in their commitment~bns~

A good constitution is infinitely better than the best despot.

Every (stressful thought) is a variation on a single theme: This shouldn't be happening. I shouldn't be having this experience. God is unjust. Life isn't fair.

In the long run, stability cannot be purchased at the expense of liberty.

I believe that improvisation is really just a directorial tool. It's a writing tool.

Imust have a London audience.I could never preach, but to the educated; to those who were capable of estimating my composition.

Whatever our creed or belief, we all know that there is no way back, that we must fight our way through.

And my mouth is not a sewer, although some people may think it is.

It was loud in spots and less loud in other spots, and it had that quality which I have noticed in all violin solos of seeming to last much longer than it actually did.

What makes a scientist great is the care that he takes in telling you what is wrong with his results, so that you will not misuse them.