I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

You have this ability to find beauty in weird places.

You’ve got sadness in you, I’ve got sadness in me – and my works of art are places where the two sadnesses can meet, and therefore both of us need to feel less sad.

When the mind imagines its own lack of power, it is saddened by it.

To me, lyrics are harder to write when you have to invent the feelings behind them. That's when lyrics take a lot of thought, when they aren't genuine.

The trouble began with Forster. After him it was considered ungentlemanly to write more than five or six novels.

In Science, it is when we take some interest in the great discoverers and their lives that it becomes endurable, and only when we begin to trace the development of ideas that it becomes fascinating.

Things are never so bad that they can't get worse. But they're sometimes so bad they can't get better.

Don’t look for society to give you permission to be yourself.

introductions are hard to come by when your natural state is shyness

I am a being comprised of letters, a character created by sentences, a figment of imagination formed through fiction.