I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Confronting information that directly challenges existing beliefs can be psychologically threatening to people, especially if the information challenges their sense of identity.

To be relevant, you need to be purposeful

Ambition is a funny thing: it creeps in when you least expect it and keeps you moving, even when you think you want to stay put

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.

The day of reckoning is not just coming for Saddam Hussein. It's coming for the anti-war movement.

I've learned... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

Durability is part of what makes a great athlete.

I'm not a good collector.

Choosing one's leaders is an affirmation that the person making the choice has inherent worth.

My little boy (Sasha) is now one-year-old and that makes it easier for me to go back to the studio and work on creating new music.