Andy Rooney Quotes

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.

Being kind is more important than being right.

I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.

Everyone starts out being an atheist. No one is born with belief in anything. Infants are atheists until they are indoctrinated.

People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Elephants and grandchildren never forget.

I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you... More

the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.

I've learned that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness.

I've learned... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I can't choose how i feel. But i can choose what I do about it.

The 50-50-90 rule: anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

I've learned .... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

Most of us believe everyone has a right to his own opinion - as long as it agrees with ours.

Figure skating is an unlikely Olympic event but its good television. It's sort of a combination of gymnastics and ballet. A little sexy too which doesn't hurt.

People waiting for an elevator don't know what to do, standing with strangers. There is nothing to do. Its an uneasy time. Some press the button repeatedly as though it would help.

I've learned .... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.

Do I have opinions that might piss people off? Yes - that's what I'm here for.

I've learned... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

Christians talk as though goodness was their idea but good behavior doesn't have any religious origin. Our prisons are filled with the devout.

Women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

I've learned that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter.

I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

Small daily happenings make life spectacular.... start enjoying the small things in life!

Death is a distant rumor to the young.

The Super Bowl isn't for kids, I had a great time though and it was worth every nickel of it because by doing this lame piece about the game I can put it on my expense account.

I've learned... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

You can't be a good writer without being a good thinker.

We're all torn between the desire for privacy and the fear of loneliness.

It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.

Unfortunately, propaganda works.

I've learned... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

A great many people do not have the right to their own opinion because they don't know what they are talking about.

Age is nothing but experience, and some of us are more experienced than others

Looking and not finding is certainly one of the most frustrating ways to spend time.

I'd be more willing to accept religion, even if I didn't believe it, if I thought it made people nicer to each other but I don't think it does.

Nothing in fine print is ever good news.