Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

Yoga may teach you how to reveal your inner joy and inner beauties that beautify this world.

A person may cause evil to others not only by his actions but by his inaction, and in either case he is justly accountable to them for the injury.

If you want to be the best, you have to do things that other people aren't willing to do.

Live in the moment. Feel everything you want to feel. And maybe have a couple of drinks if you're nervous, I guess.

forgiveness is not a single act, but a matter of constant practice

The squares of the periodic times are proportional to the cubes of the mean distances from the sun.

The reason I went for Jenny Craig is I thought, Maybe I'm not the only one who has stupid reasons for getting fat.

To reconcile conflicting parties, we must have the ability to understand the suffering of both sides.

I imagined myself as Frida to Diego, both muse and maker. I dreamed of meeting an artist to love and support and work with side by side.

I think that, ultimately, the only thing that affects race relations is fair treatment.