Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

Learn your topic through self-study through scrupulous analysis and learn about your goal

Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.

June, " Day murmurs. I feel a strange warmth at the sound of my name on his lips.

Slide slide slippity-slide When you're living in a city it's do or die

I'm not 20 years old any more. I'm not gonna go out on quite the limb I did.

I don't have time to stand around and listen to an 11-minute song.

I am in love with every church And mosque And temple And any kind of shrine Because I know it is there That people say the different names Of the One God.

There is nothing stable but Heaven and the Constitution.

All any girl really wants is just love and a man. But what man can put up with a rock-n-roll star?

Prussia was hatched from a cannon-ball.