Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

The White House usually followed the seagull theory of management: fly in, squawk and flap and shit, and fly away.

I'll be an artist one day because my creator's masterpiece leaves me perplexed.

Love is like that. It's like a wildfire in my blood.

I went to the front, but I never participated in the war itself.

All objects, all phases of culture are alive. They have voices. They speak of their history and interrelatedness. And they are all talking at once!

I guess economists, it's a bit like scientists, you have definitely fewer women in that field.

Avoid all controversy in preaching, talking, or writing; preach nothing down but the devil, and nothing up but Jesus Christ.

I always bring my kids vacation souvenirs printed in Comic Sans, so they know I love them but not unconditionally.

If you have to tell someone they call the shots, they're not really calling the shots.

I don't really map anything out. I just let it happen [while writing]. But once it happens, it's always there. If it's laid, it's played. If I get to page 300 and it's not working, I junk it.