I don't want to be a spokesman for family values, but that's the way my standup is perceived.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

Bite me, Harry Potter.

You could try making sense out of the universe, but you were too small and the parts you needed to see were too large or even smaller.

Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable.

There may be writing groups where people meet but it's occasional. You really do it all at your own computer or your own typewriter by yourself.

The course of evolution is to a greater integration of similarly functioning ganglia.

The '80s was a really creative and brave period. Remember, it was a period of ultraconservatism, and so you needed brave people to push ahead like that.

I worked with patience which means almost power.

I want to be free Michael, just for once in my whole life I want to be free" "You are free. You just don't know it yet

Only those who find life, find treasures.

Often what we take for a kindness is just someone acting in their capacity as a human being.