I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Doing what is right to GOD gives you peace not regret

I was never taught how to raise a child, because I wasn't raised properly.

I don't capture moments, I capture ideas.

In my whole career, I've never really gotten hurt. The only ones that really hurt me were my wives.

There is no detour to holiness, Jesus came to the resurrection through the cross, not around it.

Big-government liberals don't like people with a sense of independence because independent people don't need big government.

I think somebody who speaks the language is going to notice immediately that I'm not Russian.

a celebrity is someone who no longer does the things that made him a celebrity.

Economics spreads happiness.

But virtue never will be mov'd, Though lewdness court it in a shape of heaven.