I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Men more frequently require to be reminded than informed.

I was quite a shy child. I would get terribly nervous and throw up before my birthday party. And then I would be fine. I feel the same now. I get nervous, then it's fine.

When anxiety disrupts functioning, it's psychiatric illness.

When tempted to be unfaithful, the intellectual woman will try to inspire her husband with indifference, the sentimental woman with hatred, and the passionate woman with disgust.

Dependency is the highest political good - at least for politicians. Since the 1930s, politicians have striven to leave no vote unbought.

I remember when I was 33 or 34, it was devastating because I realized I wasn't a kid anymore. The great thing about 40 was that I really felt like I had life experience and knew what I was doing now.

Whatever you possess today is enough to create anything else you will ever want in your future.

Michael Phelps and Willie Nelson are teaming up to do an album. ... They're covering The Doobie Brothers.

Christianity gave eroticism its savor of sin and legend when it endowed the human female with a soul.

It was about being wanted, it was about winning, and it was about my passion for the game. I just loved it. I absolutely loved to compete and to step out onto that football field with my teammates.