I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

An abundance of thinking leads to me, me, me.An abundance of Thanking leads to YOU, YOU, YOU!

It'd hardly be worth having a brother at all, if you couldn't smack him in the head every once in a while.

Madness is like gravity, you just need to push it...

I've got nothing against girls in tight sweaters - darn it!

Nothing will ever be what the Voyager mission was.

I just want to make the best music of all time with my best friends.

Time is the great art of man.

There exists only one person who has the power to cast the deciding vote that will kill your dream…you!

The ship was masted according to the proportion of the navy; but on my application the masts were shortened, as I thought them too much for her, considering the nature of the voyage.

I've always felt real blessed, especially to live in this country. If you dream hard and work hard, anything can happen here-I'm perfect proof.