How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Sometimes the opposite of loss is loss.

The harder you work the luckier you get.

My dad is a much more flamboyant character than I am. I think that's why I couldn't see myself going into straight acting. I always just felt daft.

Al [Michaels] is inquisitive, knowledgeable, and incredibly well-prepared. I don't know what his IQ is, but it's probably only a couple of points lower than mine.

The trick to following someone without getting caught is to follow somebody who doesn't think they're being followed.

In the 45 years I've worked in casinos, I dreamed of being honored by an organization like the American Gaming Association, especially since I don't even have a hunting license.

True teaching cannot be learned from text-books any more than a surgeon can acquire his skill by reading about surgery.

I think that we need to look hard at our beliefs and be responsible about how we speak out.

We really love all sports, but we don't think in the long term. The reason we did Kingpin was because there was a script we really liked and we saw the possibilities.

Sometimes there just isn't enough vomit in the world.