My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

I wish R.I.P meant Return If Possible...

A man who knows what it is to have humility is a vain man.

Every year thousands of Americans mistakenly refer to Cinco de Mayo as Mexico's Independence Day.

At 19, you know everything; by the time you're 40, you haven't got a clue.

I am the most misunderstood and misrepresented of men. Misrepresented because misunderstood.

Worm theology is too high for me.

I had a lot of jobs. I worked over 50 jobs before I rapped for a living.

No one ever understood disaster until it came.

The system is broken, and we can fix it. It's not hard. We just have to do the work.

Each day is a day of decision, and our decisions determine our destiny.