I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

We are born entrepreneurs, true entrepreneurs of ourselves! Who defines the success or failure of our companies, it's us! Do not blame God for this, for even seeking it depends on you.

Dreams become regrets when left in the mind, never planted in the soil of action.

Every time you try to flirt with her, a puppy dies.

I need to accept God’s love and forgiveness, turning away from my sin and toward Him starting every day anew just as His mercies are new every morning.

Fortunately the Omanis are generally very friendly and in no time at all, I had a knight in shining white dishdasha offering to help me.

Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast,

When I was younger, I was always taught not to make excuses.

Naming can limit as well as empower.

In my youth I, too, entertained some illusions; but I soon recovered from them.