Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

Sin may have the power to kill and destroy, but God is the Creator of life. He can create it from nothing, and He can restore it from death.(John 11:25-26)

Love at first sight is easy to understand it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.

Therefore, when I considered this carefully, the contempt which I had to fear because of the novelty and apparent absurdity of my view, nearly induced me to abandon utterly the work I had begun.

I don't want to write melodies anymore. I can only write really simple, dumb caveman melodies.

I mean, there'll always be room for big productions and everything but it's good to see the other side.

Animals have no unconscious, because they have a territory. Men have only had an unconscious since they lost a territory.

I like to give opinions, not suggestions

When any prevailing prejudice is attacked, the wise will consider, and leave the narrow-minded to rail with thoughtless vehemence at innovation.

Competition validates you. It creates a category. It permits the sale to be this or that, not yes or no.

I only ever wanted to be an actress, not a star.