Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

Our confidence is the grace of faith in Jesus Christ.

Sometimes the church isn´t the place where we meet Jesus, it´s the place where we hide ourselves from the world.

Do your best

The greatest benefit of depression is the fact that when I have talked about it, every so often someone comes up and says, you saved my dad's life.

Just putting my uniform on keeps me going. Being able to get out there keeps me going. That's the best therapy.

Life is on an incline; you either go up, or you come down.

I remember my comic strips being called "new wave." It bugged me.

A woman was the property of her father or her husband and that remained true right into the twentieth century. It wasn't until 1975 that women had a guaranteed right to serve on federal juries.

Humility makes our lives acceptable to God, meekness makes us acceptable to men.

For those that are working part time, in small businesses, or who are unemployed and do not currently have health insurance, we want to make sure that you are covered.