Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I have nothing to offer you otherthan the undying love of my broken Heart.

Sachin's straight drive is like fired bullet from most efficient gun.

Babies control and bring up their families as much as they are controlled by them in fact the family brings up baby by being brought up by him.

The truth is revealed by removing things that stand in its light, an art not unlike sculpture, in which the artist creates, not by building, but by hacking away.

Women are always angsting over things. Guys don’t do that.

Near the lake where drooped the willow, Long time ago!

Depression is like slashing at ghosts. Of course it's tempting to finally cut something real.

I was anti-intellectual to the nth. Basically I liked to dance and paint, and that was about it.

He is not someone who went off to play in Europe and only a few Americans follow. He has the potential to be on magazine covers and more newspaper coverage.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.