Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

He was a man's man: an expert on the golf course, a force to be dealt with in business, and a Texan through and through--and proud of it.

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.

Saddam Hussein has been engaged in the development of weapons of mass destruction technology which is a threat to countries in the region and he has made a mockery of the weapons inspection process.

In the past, there have been a range of treaties that divided Congress and every administration was able to get them through.

I did a butterfly show in Berlin, and we had a guy who's an expert on butterflies; who bred them all and who looks after them all in the space.

Above all be of single aim; have a legitimate and useful purpose, and devote yourself unreservedly to it.

It's of course understandable that people want to know about actors in their favourite series.

Refusing to forgive is like ingesting a lethal dose of poison and hoping it kills my enemy.

Leaders must always put their people before themselves. If you do that, your business will take care of itself.

I call upon my God to judge me, he knows that I love my friends and above all others my wife and children, the, oppinion of the world to contrary notwithstanding.