Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

It is a sad thing to become so blinded and deafened by pride that you are no longer concerned about whether or not God is pleased with your actions.

The earliest you can play Christmas music is on Thanksgiving.

Those who are believed to be most abject and humble are usually most ambitious and envious.

Continents may break up, continents may emerge, but the human race is immortal in its origin and in its growth, and there is nothing to be afraid of, even if the foundations of the earth be moved.

If you buy a $28,000 car, in four years it will be worth about 11,000 bucks.

Foolish the doctor who despises the knowledge acquired by the ancients.

I was born modest; not all over, but in spots.

Time goes from present to past.

No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend itself.