Are there glass shards in my anus?!

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

The thought of hurting him ripped me apart. Ripped me so totally, that I knew, I cared more for him than I did myself.

... answered his knock with a smile, a short one forced through because she was at heart a warm person, not given to the dark mood swings which now plagued her.

The more corrupt the state the more laws.

The man who is intent on making the most of his opportunities is too busy to bother about luck.

To be relieved of love, she thought, was to give up a terrible burden.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

Have fun - a smile is the most beautiful thing on a woman.

Now you've given them hope, and they're unhappy. So the blame is all yours.

Nonviolent action, born of the awareness of suffering and nurtured by love, is the most effective way to confront adversity.

Peace is worth more than all worldly possessions; in addition, God rewards it even in this life.