All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.

I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen

Be a person of value, but never try to define your worth.

Jesus clearly viewed children as precious - and that if he loved kids enough to say that adults should be more like them, we should spend more time loving them too.

Hate, it has caused a lot of problems in the world, but has not solved one yet.

And when it comes to gettin nookie, I'm not a rookie... I got girls that make that chick Toni Braxton look like Whoopi.

All those countries who keep their aid promises should be proud of what they've done

To be honest with my music... for me to expect anyone to connect it has to come from a place of honesty.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

My favorite poets may not be your bread and butter. I have more favorite poems than favorite poets.

I've written something and I would like to have my first film directed by the time I'm 30.

The art of life is the art of avoiding pain; and he is the best pilot, who steers clearest of the rocks and shoals with which it is beset.