Sarcastic Quotes

If you are patient...and wait long enough...Nothing will happen

The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.

America knows nothing of food, love, or art.

Only Lawyers and mental defectives are automatically exempt for jury duty.

This is one of those big, fat paperbacks, intended to while away a monsoon or two, which, if thrown with a good overarm action, will bring a water buffalo to its knees.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

You may admire a girl's curves on the first introduction, but the second meeting shows up new angles.

Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.

I don't recognize you - I've changed a lot.

The same passions in man and woman nonetheless differ in tempo; hence man and woman do not cease misunderstanding one another.

Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry.

The things I want to know are in books; my best friend is the man who'll get me a book I ain't read.

Women's intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking.

You were born with your legs apart. They'll send you to the grave in a Y-shaped coffin.

I'm very serious about no alcohol, no drugs. Life is too beautiful.

She not only kept her lovely figure, she's added so much to it.

I always like to know everything about my new friends, and nothing about my old ones.

The best part of you ran down your mother's legs.

Why do we laugh at such terrible things? Because comedy is often the sarcastic realization of inescapable tragedy.

However low a man sinks he never reaches the level of the police.

Be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you.

It is after you have lost your teeth that you can afford to buy steaks.

In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.

Bureaucracy defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has lost its status.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

The food in Yugoslavia is fine if you like pork tartare.

Flowers seem intended for the solace of ordinary humanity.

I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable.

Automatic simply means that you can?t repair it yourself.

Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others.

I will always love the false image I had of you.

It's all right for a perfect stranger to kiss your hand as long as he's perfect.

The Mexicans descend from the Aztecs; the Peruvians descend from the Incas; the Argentineans descend from the boats.

Don't give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening.

She's descended from a long line her mother listened to.

You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?

He never chooses an opinion; he just wears whatever happens to be in style.

She looked as though butter wouldn't melt in her mouth - or anywhere else.

An appeal is when you ask one court to show its contempt for another court.

I'm sarcastic, skeptical, and sometimes callous because I'm still afraid, deep down, of letting myself be hurt.

As I said, this was my sarcastic summer. It was only long after that I recognized sarcasm as the protest of people who are weak.

An editor should have a pimp for a brother so he'd have someone to look up to.

Stay with me; I want to be alone

I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.

He must have killed a lot of men to have made so much money.

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?