Sarcastic Quotes

She looked as though butter wouldn't melt in her mouth - or anywhere else.

An appeal is when you ask one court to show its contempt for another court.

I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.

An editor should have a pimp for a brother so he'd have someone to look up to.

There is always something ridiculous about the emotions of people whom one has ceased to love.

To disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity.

I don't want to be with someone boring because I'm always laughing. I to play jokes on people and be sarcastic.

You can put lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig.

We fall in love when our imagination projects nonexistent perfection upon another person. One day, the fantasy evaporates and with it, love dies.

A sophisticated rhetorician, inebriated with the exuberance of his own verbosity.

You can't find any true closeness in Hollywood, because everybody does the fake closeness so well.

If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?

Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly while he's overcharging you.

I am sarcastic and dry, but I also have a pretty huge zest for life.

No one can have everything, so you have to try for what you want most.

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing

Events in the past may be roughly divided into those which probably never happened and those which do not matter.

At first I thought he was walking a dog. Then I realized it was his date.

So boring you fall asleep halfway through her name.

Cookbooks bear the same relation to real books that microwave food bears to your grandmother?s.

The English contribution to world cuisine: the chip.

What difference does it make how much you have? What you do not have amounts to much more.

You couldn't tell if she was dressed for an opera or an operation.

The English think soap is civilization.

He never bore a grudge against anyone he wronged.

He had a winning smile, but everything else was a loser.

I don't mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is the language I don't understand.

He's completely unspoiled by failure.

They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.

Whenever cannibals are on the brink of starvation, Heaven, in its infinite mercy, sends them a fat missionary.

A four-hundred-dollar suit on him would look like socks on a rooster.

You can always tell who went to catholic school, because they're atheists.

You can always reason with a German. You can always reason with a barnyard animal, too, for all the good it does.

Never criticize Americans. They have the best taste that money can buy.

She had much in common with Hitler, only no mustache.

It's always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.

He was so crooked, you could have used his spine for a safety-pin.

[on pop idol Donny Osmond] He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

What do you call 500 lawyers lying on the bottom of the Ocean? A good start.

He is as good as his word - and his word is no good.

I made myself platinum, but I was born a dirty blonde.

Our national drug is alcohol. We tend to regard the use of any other drug with special horror.

The fact that a man is a newspaper reporter is evidence of some flaw of character.

I've had them both, and I don't think much of either.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.

Don't let you mind wander - it's far too small to be let out on its own.

Being attacked by him is like being savaged by a dead sheep.

What you said hurt me very much. I cried all the way to the bank.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.