I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky.

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

For someone like me, who prefers to keep their life as private as possible, it was disconcerting to have to define so much about myself. I don't want to be labeled as one thing or another.

The four stages of man are infancy, childhood, adolescence, and obsolescence.

I get recognised in the street, but that's more from all the Scottish people who are down in Blackpool on their holidays.

I don't concern myself with award. I'd been to the party enough times to know it really didn't matter.

I tend to be really competitive when it comes to Scattergories.

Blood trickles from my throat, on to Kate's white nightgown. She screams at the sight. 'Jarrod, you're bleeding!' 'I'm all right, don't struggle I won't let it get to you.

He who does not travel, who does not read, who does not listen to music, who does not find grace in himself, she who does not find grace in herself, dies slowly.

Every thing to be true must become a religion.

Not far from the invention of fire we must rank the invention of doubt.

Poets, like friends to whom you are in debt, you hate.