Humor Quotes

I think people who work in comedy and humor are hesitant to analyze it too much, because you feel like if you take it apart, you'll break it and not be able to put it back together again.

Martin Luther King was a human being with a brilliant mind, a powerful heart, and insight, and courage and also with a sense of humor. So he was accessible.

When I say something funny in a newspaper and I meant it to be funny, it doesn't read that way.

It's funny - there's nothing that stops you laughing like the sight of other people laughing about something else.

Jewish introspection and Jewish humor is a way of surviving . . . if you're not handsome and you're not athletic and you're not rich, there's still one last hope with girls, which is being funny.

A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!

Incredible to think isn't it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.

If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.

I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, "Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!"

I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we'll have lunch. If I'm lucky!

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."

I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.

I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?"

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly.

My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."

I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.

I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.

A sharp sense of the ironic can be the equivalent of the faith that moves mountains. Far more quicky than reason or logic, irony can penetrate rage and puncture self-pity.

In Ali change creation faith growth hope humor life living Muhammad Ali transformation wonder If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you.

I don't see the point of watching men exercise.

I think how tan a person is, is directly proportionate to how dumb they are.

Mom says it's because she has PMS. Do you even know what that means? "I'm not a little kid anymore. It means pissed-at- men syndrome

When you start, it's not to do with the material so much. It's more to do with how you can control a crowd and make friends with an audience and sell your brand of humor.

They call me the confuser. Is he a man... is he a woman? Ooh, I'm not sure if I mind.

She had a penetrating sort of laugh. Rather like a train going into a tunnel.

To mistrust science and deny the validity of the scientific method is to resign your job as a human. You'd better go look for work as a plant or wild animal.

If Disney still wants to make Epcot Center futuristic, they could do so by blowing the place up with an atom bomb.

Visiting Future World is like opening a Chinese fortune cookie to read, "Soon you'll be finished with dinner."

The typical old-fashioned diet (in the nineteenth century) was so bad it almost assembled modern dieting.

Australia is not very exclusive. On the visa application they still ask if you've been convicted of a felony - although they are willing to give you a visa even if you haven't been.

If I like it, I say it's mine. If I don't I say it's a fake.

Be wary of the horse with a sense of humor.

Allen's Law of Civilization: It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.

I never ask my wife about my flaws. Instead I try to get her to ignore them and concentrate on my sense of humor.

If some beggar steals a bridle he'll be hung by a man who's stolen a horse.

All my wife has ever taken from the Mediterranean - from that whole vast intuitive culture - are four bottles of Chianti to make into lamps, and two china condiment donkeys labelled Sally and Peppy.

Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

Humor is the best means of surviving in a difficult world.