Humor Quotes

In arguing one should meet serious pleading with humor, and humor with serious pleading.

My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.

There is no such thing as romance in our day, women have become too brilliant; nothing spoils a romance so much as a sense of humor in the woman.

Someone's been mean to you! Tell me who it is, so I can punch him tastefully.

Wise men are not wise at all hours, and will speak five times from their taste or their humor, to once from their reason.

A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned things is ample.

There are very few humorists who have written first-rate humor after they've become elderly.

It’s a basic rule of humor that a joke is always at somebody’s expense. Really good jokes, however, tend to be at everyone’s expense.

Humor is anger that was sent to finishing school.

I am kinder to my body. I don't try to prove anything to myself or others. I keep thinking about the need to go slower, gentler and maintain a sense of humor about it all.

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

An idea is a feat of association.

I do find that humor helps in relationships. It certainly helps in my marriage now because I'm a very, very fallible person. And if I wasn't funny I'd be kicked right out the door.

There is humor that's just whimsy, that we smile at, but the humor that we laugh at, someone has to be - someone's dignity has to be reduced.

The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

My doctors told me this morning my blood pressure is down so low that I can start reading the newspapers.

I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It's like a child dizzy off lemonade

Gayety is to good-humor as perfumes to vegetable fragrance: the one overpowers weak spirits; the other recreates and revives them.

Good-humor is a state between gayety and unconcern,--the act or emanation of a mind at leisure to regard the gratification of another.

Some men are like musical glasses; to produce their finest tones you must keep them wet.

The devil is not, indeed, perfectly humorous, but that is only because he is the extreme of all humor.

Men of humor are always in some degree men of genius; wits are rarely so, although a man of genius may, amongst other gifts, possess wit, as Shakespeare.

I get mail; therefore I am.

There are more people abusive to others than lie open to abuse themselves; but the humor goes round, and he that laughs at me today will have somebody to laugh at him tomorrow.

I want to do something challenging and I want to take risks, but above all, I want people to be entertained...Because the only way of talking about some issues sometimes is through humor.

she doesn’t really have a sense of humor. I think she’d like to have one—it’s just that she doesn’t quite understand what jokes are for.

Sin endeavors to subject the blessed God to the humor and lust of every person in the world

It is easy to forget that the most important aspect of comedy, after all, its great saving grace, is its ambiguity. You can simultaneously laugh at a situation, and take it seriously.

It's certainly easy to mock some things ... Oddly enough though I've never found it easy to mock anything of value. Only things that are tawdry and fatuous - perhaps it's just me.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I saw something even more beautiful than a sense of humor: an appreciation for life’s essential absurdity.

The best scary movies have great humor in them and a great story.

I believe in eight of the ten commandments. I believe in going to church every Sunday... unless there's a game on.

I think that the anti-Microsoft sentiment is simply due to their having been so successful selling a lot of crap.

Half the people you know are below average.

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?