Humor Quotes

I believe my friends think I'm funny. All the books are full of humor. Maybe it is a quiet sort of humor that masquerades as not-much-at-all. It is certainly easy to miss.

I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.

My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'

I come from a very big family. Nine parents.

I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.

No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

Humor prevents a hardening of the attitudes.

Ill-humor is nothing more than an inward feeling of our own want of merit, a dissatisfaction with ourselves which is always united with an envy that foolish vanity excites.

The only bit of logic-based public bathroom humor I know is: the difference between men and women is that between the statement [P and not Q] and the statement [Q and not P].

[W]ithout humour you cannot run a sweetie-shop, let alone a nation.

A dollar saved is a quarter earned.

The main evolutionary significance of humor is that it gets us from the closed mode to the open mode quicker than anything else.

Sense of humor is so much more subjective than anyone believes.

Successful crimes alone are justified.

It's impossible to ravish me, I'm so willing.

I knew nothing about farce until I read Puce a l'Oreille, and had no idea what a deadly serious business it is.

Men naturally warm and heady are transported with the greatest flush of good-nature.

There are some men who are witty when they are in a bad humor, and others only when they are sad.

I do have a dirty sense of humor.

There is a certain type of conversation one hears only when one is drunk and it is like a dream, full of humor and threat and significance, deep significance.

Look for the ridiculous in everything and you will find it.

Dumb dog. I bought a dog whistle. He won't use it.

Don't quit your day jobs, boys, but always keep your sense of humor.

This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.

I'm in favor of it as long as it's multiple choice.

I use a lot of humor in my writing. But it's completely black humor.

Humor is an almost physiological response to fear.

There are worse occupations in this world than feeling a woman's pulse.

For the qualities of sheer wit and humor, Swift had no superior, ancient or modern.

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.

If you have wit, use it to please and not to hurt: you may shine like the sun in the temperate zones without scorching.

If you ever get in real trouble, don't panic. Sit down and think about it. Remember two things, always. There must be some way out of it and there must be humor in it somewhere.

I like the English. They have the most rigid code if immorality in the world.

I found my personal style in black humor and mixing funny things with very touching ones - like trying to force people to cry and smile almost at the same moment.

I don't care what anybody says, I think that George Bush is absolutely the right president to oversea the end of the world.

I used to do a lot of drugs. I didn't stop because I didn't enjoy them; I stopped because I couldn't handle the commitment.

When you actually meet the devil and he offers you a deal most artists eventually negotiate.

Comedy is obviously a matter of personal taste and the world always needs a clown and some people have no taste at all and any clown will do.

The bile makes it better. I am an information wasting machine - 100s of words a day.

I went out to dinner with a Marine last weekend. He looked across the table and he goes, "I could kill you in seven seconds." I go, "I'll just have toast, then."

The Creator made Italy from designs by Michelangelo.

One matter Englishmen don't think in the least funny is their happy consciousness of possessing a deep sense of humor.

I should have no compassion on these witches; I should burn them all.

In Switzerland, on a high mountain, not far from Lucerne, there is a lake they call Pilate's Pond, which the Devil has fixed upon as one of the chief residences of his evil spirits.

In many countries there are particular places to which devils more especially resort. In Prussia there is an infinite number of evil spirits.

Good-fellowship, unflagging, is the prime requisite for success in our society, and the man or woman who smiles only for reasons of humor or pleasure is a deviate.