I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

You project a confident image through good body posture.

Finally! You're here!"Uh....Do I know you?"Well, no....But you're here, all the same...

When the world is so complicated, the simple gift of friendship is within all of our hands.

I foresee a great funeral contest over me.

Heaven sends down its good and evil symbols and wise men act accordingly.

There's no end to amazing grace.

I suggested back in 1980 to do a chronological live album, but there wasn't that much enthusiasm for it.

It was as though the darkness was a sheet of raw cookie dough and someone had just taken a cookie cutter and made a child-sized shape out of it.

I am constantly amazed at their support over the years.

The luxury of one's own opinion.