Funny Quotes

The operation was a success, but I'm afraid the doctor is dead.

I have heard it said that a complicated childhood can lead to a life in the arts. I tell you this story of my father and me to let you know I am qualified to be a comedian.

I'm pretty open to all music. Its pretty funny because I've spent time in Germany and now I'm in Dallas where Country is a big thing. I used to hate it but now I can actually go through a song.

Witty and mean is easy - but fond and funny is hard.

It's funny, you make friends and you lose friends when you're making a movie.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

I lost a button hole.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

I was an only child, eventually.

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.

If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"

I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

I took a baby shower.

I was skydiving horizontally.

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.

I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

The sky already fell. Now what?

I can't stop thinking like this.

I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

I washed mud off of mud.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."