Funny Quotes

The way I write is totally instinctive. I just write what I feel or what I find funny - and hope everyone else agrees.

Darling, when things go wrong in life, you lift your chin, put on a ravishing smile, mix yourself a little cocktail.

I'm a huge fan of Adam Sandler and used to have Adam Sandler nights when I was younger. And he's so funny on the set.

I haven't played Hedda Gabler yet, but maybe if I did I might find the funny bits.

Comedy was something I picked up trying to perfect my art through spoken word. I got on YouTube just to show off my poetry, and then people thought I was funny, so I ran with it.

The age-old faith of lovers and poets in the power of love, stronger than death, that Finis vitae sed non amoris, is a lie, useless and not even funny.

Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it "The No Fact Zone.

Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals.

Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.

On this show, your voice will be heard in the form of my voice.

Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people.

I don't know a lot about politics. I like talking about human behavior. Politicians are funny to me because they often say one thing and behave a different way.

God not only plays dice, he throws them in the corner where you can't see them.

Odd arrangements and funny solutions are the proof of evolution - paths that a sensible God would never tread but that a natural process, constrained by history, follows perforce.

It's easy to be negatively funny about personalities in the media. It's just kind of a cheap laugh.

Comedy is a very personal thing, and some people will find it funny, some people wont.

There is a strength of conviction that can only come from being 100% wrong.

I wish I could blame my failure on my integrity & refusal to play bullshit games. But the truth is I just play them really badly.

I have to step out for a second. Don’t do anything funny while I’m gone.

Funny how it kept hitting me, like each new thing was a surprise. When was I going to stop being surprised?

I think when someone who's known for doing drama does a comedy but just tries to be funny, that's a mistake.

My wife is way funnier than I am. As much as I don't really feel I share a sense of humour with my family, I definitely share one with her - we find the same things funny.

I think ultimately, when you believe somebody is going through a situation and it's either awkward or ridiculous, but you believe it, that can be funny.

It's nice to find people who live on the fringe, finding one another and she's just unrelentingly funny.

I've always enjoyed watching characters that aren't aware that they're doing anything funny. And I think that inherently makes them funnier.

It's harder when people are playing along, because it's just not as funny. They're trying to be funny, and it sort of cancels out the whole joke.

In my mind God made Adam and Eve, he didn't make Adam and Steve.

Sadly, I can't say the same for my Father, who is probably in a different place - Hell.

The great thing is that the funny side of getting old is fuel for my comedy.

That was liquid football

I woke with a start. At first I assumed I'd trumped myself awake again.

Got my fungal foot powder? Ah, it's a lifesaver, you know. I'd effectively be disabled if it weren't for these.

All those people who go around saying Life begins at forty, they're notable by their absence. The nerve.

I think it's always funny when you see kids do Shakespeare.

You really have got lots of issues! Yeah, of 'What Car Magazine'!

There's never any graffiti in the hotel. Although in the Gents a couple of weeks ago I did see someone had drawn a lady's part. Quite detailed. The guy obviously had talent.

Convoy? Michael, you're hanging around with a man who uses a collective term for a single vehicle.

Two fat ladies, 88! Not that you'd find these ladies at a bingo hall, of course... they're altogether a higher class of fat lady.

It's arguably the best newspaper in the world.

I'm 47, my girlfriend's 33; she's 14 years younger than me: Back of the net!

It's funny, when people talk about the 70s I can tell you the year of every album but when it comes to the later efforts I can't remember the exact years, it's funny isn't it?

There's a lot more to me than just funny.

Kids like my act because I'm wearing nose glasses. Adults like my act because there's a guy who thinks putting on nose glasses is funny.

These days it's hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make.

I thought 'Borat' was a breakthrough comedy, because it was really funny. It wasn't some studio-produced script with 14 writers.

Deeply funny musings and adventures elevate Paul Rudnick to the highest level of American comedy writing.

It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it - The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.

I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers.

Lots of women are getting involved. They're not satisfied just being passengers anymore.

You kill me and I'll see that you never work in this town again.