I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

The sound of him drinking was indescribable—like dirty runoff down a storm drain.

It takes some experimentation to figure out what people like and don't like.

There are times when my passion for basketball led me into confrontations that I could have handled a lot better. I've always been too confrontational, especially when I know I'm right.

Absolutely committed to spending the rest of my life as a spokesman for the rights of European Americans.

When you go to commercial, you want something to call the viewers back, and if you don't have a decent act out, the audience probably won't be there in the numbers you want when the show returns.

Now, Max, I think we both know your parents aren't missionaries." I opened my eyes wide. "No? Well, for God's sake, don't tell them. They'd be crushed. Thinking they're doing the Lord's work and all.

Peppermint swirled into my nostrils, sharp as glass, then raspberry almost to sweet, like too-ripe fruit. Apple, crisp and pure. Nuts, buttery, warm, earthy

I get shocked by people smoking cigarettes sometimes. i get shocked by watching talk shows. people's moralities are so far below what i would consider standard.

Bob Dylan is out of the mentorship of Allen Ginsberg.

It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.