Funny Quotes

When you lose your hands, you can't play baseball.

Houston has its largest crowd of the night here this evening.

When Guante started, they thought he'd be like popcorn, one of the most popular things around.

Hrabosky looks fierce in that Fu Manchu haircut.

Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.

[I like to] engage with funny people, or weird people, or, you know, kind of off people. [Whereas when I meet] anybody who's ... normal ... I'm not curious, I'm not interested.

My favorite place in the morning is in the shower with Eric.

If I'm not back in 5 minutes, just wait longer.

I don't feel any pressure to be funny at all. I'm funny because I want to be funny. I could sit here and be serious for an hour and you would go away and make me much funnier than I am.

My main objective is to prepare candidates for professional baseball; however, the majority of our graduates will go home as much better qualified amateurs.

You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?"

For a comedian to kind of catch onto something right as something's catching on in our culture, a lot of it is luck, and you hope the joke is funny.

I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?

My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.

I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll have a glass of water, you want a shot of Jäger? You want eight of 'em?"

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

If you just stop and think, baby, honey, love is a funny thing. Whatever you put in, thats what you expect to gain.

The people from 'The State' are close friends, but also some of the most incredibly funny people I know.

Children are gleeful barbarians.

Goodwin has done the seemingly impossible-he has made economics comprehensible and funny.

When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42. There's more of you, but you are not worth as much.

It's funny how the whole team gets quiet when you're about to win a Daytona 500.

Busy yourselves with this, you damned walruses, while the rest of use proceed with the libretto.

Offering Dragons quarter is no good, they regrow all their parts and come on again. They have to be killed.

It's a mystery why certain people find certain things funny.

What I've always wanted to do is be as funny as possible.

That's a lovely experience when you make an audience laugh. Then the nerves go away for a bit. And sometimes you do things then that you've never done before that are really funny.

I can't see that it's wrong to give him a little legal experience before he goes out to practice law.

They'll score if they can just get into the endzone.

When your arm gets hit, the ball is not going to go where you want it to.

Real frontier-busting math explores new worlds . . . . If you can communicate that experience, somewhere between math and uncertainty, life experience provides the balance.

He might want to watch where he lands when tackling that guy, because he could really hurt his hand if it gets stepped on.

It's always funny until the hooker mentions her son.

My husband is very funny and his humor has gotten us through a lot. He's good at defusing me.

'Cause if your love was all I had in this life, well that would be enough until the end of time. So rest your weary heart and relax your mind, 'Cause I'm gonna love you, girl, until the end of time.

You can take anything, and if you explore it right, you can make it funny.

It‘s funny how, when things seem the darkest, moments of beauty present themselves in the most unexpected places.

Classes teaching you how to breathe. I'm 32, I think I've got the hang of it.

Rats have a sense of humor. Rats, in fact think the world is very funny. And they are right, dear reader. They are right.

funny how ready people are to believe that counseling, which even when voluntary takes years to modify garden-variety neuroses, can work wonders in months with resistant patients who hate each other.

Afraid of death? Not at all. Be a great relief. Then I wouldn't have to talk to you.

Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.

My father was on the faculty in the Chemistry Department of Harvard University; my mother had one year of graduate work in physics before her marriage.

For some reason and I don't know why, but I don't think that I'm funny in California. So I always want to do my movies east somewhere.

I didn't grow up with my dad, so it was always very funny to me, and always has been, what an important part DNA plays in one's life.

The only time some fellows are seen with their wives is after they're indicted.

We try to write the best songs ever, and they come out kind of funny.

Obviously I was either onto something, or on something.