Funny Quotes

A cynic is just a man who found out when he was ten that there wasn't any Santa Claus, and he's still upset.

I value comedy. I value somebody who can be funny.

I'm just getting to know myself. I'm no wherwhere near to being concise about it yet. I can't define myself. Wait a minute - I'm angry, I'm funny and I'm trying.

Ask him what time it is and he'll tell you how the watch was made.

In the spirit of the Olympic Games, they traditionally ask that all fighting and warfare around the world stop. So, there's hope for a ceasefire within the Jackson family.

Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder.

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights

Now the thing about having a baby - and I can't be the first person to have noticed this - is that thereafter you have it.

The problem with the designated driver programme, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At then end of the night drop them off at the wrong house.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.

Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on.

First of all, I find everything funny, which is upsetting to my children sometimes, and to people in my life, in general.

My hair has never been my greatest feature, so that was funny enough unto itself that my hair became so focused on.

Funny, 'ow you can 'old a jewel in your 'and, and toss it away, and not even know what you 'ad until it's gone.

It's funny because the most sane women I've ever met are my mom and my grandmothers. I think you have to be incredibly sane and self-aware to function in relatively insane environments.

Idleness, like kisses, to be sweet must be stolen.

I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don't these idiots who run the news programs know we don't want to read? That's why we're watching TV.

After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that.

Just because I rock doesn't mean I am made of stone.

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.

I don't pull out because... it's not my problem.

John Bond has brought in a young left-sided midfield player, who I guess will play on the left side of midfield.

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

When we don't have the words chocolate can speak volumes.

I can only think of a handful of artists that can make a funny painting or a funny sculpture without it feeling coined in someway.

Sometimes I go into my own little world. It's okay, they know me there.

We are never deceived; we deceive ourselves.

You're funny, and you're smart, and you may show up late, but you always show up eventually.

War is hell and all that, but it has a good deal to recommend it. It wipes out all the small nuisances of peace time.

Give us the luxuries of life, and we will dispense with its necessities.

Playing in this nice weather really makes me remember all the times I got stung by a bee.

See, well ya see, the thing is, he should have caught that ball. But the ball is bigger than his hands.

When I heard that Hitler had problems with flatulence, it's funny. What - does that make him a funny man? No. It means he had funny moments when his rear end was speaking louder than his mouth.

Cursing is invoking the assistance of a spirit to help you inflict suffering. Swearing on the other hand, is invoking, only the witness of a spirit to an statement you wish to make.

Diana Rigg is built like a brick mausoleum with insufficient flying buttresses.

There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

To me, racist jokes are not funny. I am politically correct, in a weird way. I like to push the boundaries that are politically correct.

Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough.

I know from the middle distance I give off the look of being prolific, which is a funny compliment to receive.

Let's face it, most pretty girls aren't funny.

We do have a zeal for laughter in most situations, give or take a dentist.

Life is short, but it's long enough to ruin any man who wants to be ruined.

It's not only the most difficult thing to know one's self, but the most inconvenient.