Funny Quotes

To err is human, but when the eraser wears out ahead of the pencil, you're overdoing it.

It's funny, but we were living on this small island off the coast of Charleston, South Carolina when I was 9.

I only do one thing at a time; otherwise, I get confused and then I can't trick you.

I enjoy cooking with wine, sometimes I even put it in the food I'm cooking.

Small gestures can have a big impact.

Cabaret is a great format. All you have to do is sing and be funny sporadically.

I'm like a fatter version of Amy Winehouse and a skinnier version of Lily Allen.

The clever men of Oxford, know all that there is to be knowed but they none of them know one half as much as intelligent Mr. Toad.

I think one of the things I was most interested in finding out was how differently we approached our work. And my reality was that we didn't approach it very differently at all, which was funny.

The worst feature of a new baby is its mother's singing.

I had this dream, and I really wanted to be a star. And I was almost a monster in the way that I was really fearless with my ambitions.

It can't be any simpler: the farewell is going to be on the Champs-Elysees.

I've been married to one Marxist and one Fascist, and neither one would take the garbage out.

There are two things that won't last long in this world, and that's dogs chasing cars and pros putting for pars.

It is really funny how even cool chicks are sort of like, 'Our moms covered that feminism thing and now we're living in a post-that world,' when that just isn't true.

I have a funny sense of humor. If I was a comedian and I was up on stage, people would think that's funny, because I'm a funny comedian. I'm an entertainer.

Even when I'm being funny, I'm deadly serious.

We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company.

It was a sobering experience.

If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth

Nothing can confound a wise man more than laughter from a dunce.

The Cardinal is at his wit's end - it is true that he had not far to go.

In matters of religion and matrimony I never give any advice; because I will not have anybody's torments in this world or the next laid to my charge.

The less one has to do, the less time one finds to do it in.

In my mind, there is nothing so illiberal, and so ill-bred, as audible laughter.

I sometimes give myself admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it.

Don't call 'em dogs. Dogs are loyal and they run after balls.

I miss New York. I still love how people talk to you on the street - just assault you and tell you what they think of your jacket.

I believe in censorship. I made a fortune out of it.

Goodness, what beautiful diamonds!' 'Goodness had nothing to do with it'.

You can say what you like about long dresses, but they cover a multitude of shins.

He's the kind of man who picks his friends - to pieces.

If all the fools in this world should die, lordly God how lonely I should be.

Ignorant people think it is the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it is the sickening grammar that they use.

To succeed in the other trades, capacity must be shown; in the law, concealment of it will do.

Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town?

The idea that no gentleman ever swears is all wrong. He can swear and still be a gentleman if he does it in a nice and benevolent and affectionate way.

We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world and it's efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read-

A crime persevered in a thousand centuries ceases to be a crime, and becomes a virtue. This is the law of custom, and custom supersedes all other forms of law.

We like a man to come right out and say what he thinks- if we agree with him.

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

Baccarat is a game whereby the croupier gathers in money with a flexible sculling oar, then rakes it home. If I could have borrowed his oar I would have stayed.

I could have become a soldier if I had waited; I knew more about retreating than the man who invented retreating.

Let me assure you that the humourless as a bunch don't just not know what's funny, they don't know what's serious. They have no common sense, either, and shouldn't be trusted with anything.

Nothing is more cheerful than talking about our friends' shortcomings.

Laughing at our friends, we avenge the disappointment they have caused.

Even boredom has its crises.

But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman. Homer Simpson