Funny Life Quotes

What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.

It's not true that life is one damn thing after another; it is one damn thing over and over.

Life is a near-death experience.

A cousin of mine who was a casualty surgeon in Manhattan tells me that he and his colleagues had a one-word nickname for bikers: Donors. Rather chilling.

Just remember that a pat on the back is only 18 inches from a kick in the behind.

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

What fills us is real, sweet, dopey, funny life.

There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them.

A mother is the best friend God ever gave.

It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.

Born to be wild - live to outgrow it.

Life is always walking up to us and saying, "Come on in, the living's fine," and what do we do? Back off and take its picture.

Life is the movie you see through your own eyes. It makes little difference what's happening out there. It's how you take it that counts.

There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.

I rant, therefore I am

You better take care of me Lord, if you don't you're gonna have me on your hands.

We are supposed to enjoy the good stuff now, while we can, with the people we love. Life has a funny way of teaching us that lesson over and over again.

It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.

When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.

A boo is a lot louder than a cheer.

I do not believe in any religion, I will have nothing to do with immortality. We are miserable enough in this life without speculating upon another.

Life is a crowded superhighway with bewildering cloverleaf exits on which a man is liable to find himself speeding back in the direction he came.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Promises are like crying babies in a theater, they should be carried out at once.

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.

Every time I get something under control in my own life, the world provides more material.

Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.

We are all here on earth to help others.

Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we have made.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

I was never afraid of anything in the world except the dentist.

The recipe for great art has always been misery and a good bowel movement.

The only time to buy these is on a day with no 'y' in it.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars

Airplane Law, The: When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.

I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone's expectations.

Life is short and progress is slow

If you don't run your own life, somebody else will.

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life.

The less one has to do, the less time one finds to do it in.

God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die.

Life is very important to Americans.

The status quo sucks.

I tried to be normal once... worst two minutes of my life.

Life is short, but it's long enough to ruin any man who wants to be ruined.

He's too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.

Life is too fleet for onomatopoeia.

I don't like driving very much. That makes me very unhappy, because I scream a lot in the car, but other than that, life is actually pretty good.

What you discover about life’s shell game is that it’s hardest to follow the pea when you’re the pea.