Funny Life Quotes

What you discover about life’s shell game is that it’s hardest to follow the pea when you’re the pea.

I don't like driving very much. That makes me very unhappy, because I scream a lot in the car, but other than that, life is actually pretty good.

I'm more financially successful, but it just means the shopping blunders I make are bigger now.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. -T-Shirt

it's a funny life. Either you don't make a red cent and you have all the time in the world, or else you get double the money and you don't have a moment to spend a penny of it.

Luck is a very thin wire between survival and disaster, and not many people can keep their balance on it.

At the end of my trial, I was rather hoping the judge would send me to Australia for the rest of my life.

All women are good - good for nothing, or good for something.

There is properly no history, only biography.

There's birth, there's death, and in between there's maintenance.

Monsieur l'abbé, I detest what you write, but I would give my life to make it possible for you to continue to write.

If you're funny, if there's something that makes you laugh, then every day's going to be okay.

Real life is a funny thing, you know. In real life saying the right thing at the right time is beyond crucial.

Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.

Listen - life is really going on, right now, around us. Do you see it? Sometimes I lose it but if I sit still and listen, it comes back, and then I think, How funny, this is what being alive is.

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

I don't think of myself as being funny. But life takes strange turns.

Always do whatever's next.

The gods throw the dice and they don't ask whether we want to be in the game or not.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

You know what's funny? I don't ever feel the need to escape. I have a strong marriage. I like my life. You hear about these guys having midlife crises - I don't see that happening to me.

My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.

Adventure is nothing but a romantic name for trouble.

I will never deny that life isn't fair. It seems as though when a woman leaves a man she is strong and independent, but when a man leaves a woman he is a pig and a jerk.

When mice run, cats give chase.

Some people were just getting on with their lives, chatting, being young. It simply wouldn't do.

I don't happen to have a sense of humor personally, so I don't know what's funny about a character... This happens to be a feature of my life generally.

I can't not find humor in elements of most parts of life, but at the same time nothing ever seems perpetually funny to me.

I think all good drama is funny. All the best drama is ultimately very funny. Life is funny. You can't have any honest treatise on life without bumping into some humor.

It was almost funny. Life seemed downright accidental in its brevity, and death a punch line to a lousy joke.

He has a heart of gold - only harder.

Life is short. Ricky and I realize how lucky we were. We want to be together all the time.

My life is now a constant assessment of whether what's happening in real life is more entertaining than what's happening on my phone.

Life is funny and we are really funny, especially when we get to be hoity toity; we can be so ridiculous. Life is fun.

Life is funny, baby, and that's no joke

Darling, when things go wrong in life, you lift your chin, put on a ravishing smile, mix yourself a little cocktail.

Be excellent and party on dudes.

If I can sell tickets to my movies like Red Sonja or Last Action Hero, you know I can sell just about anything.

When asked "If you could meet any famous person living or dead," I always ask whether the dead person would be alive again when I meet them.

You may be old, you may be in your third act, but you can still be vital and sexual and funny. Life isn't over.

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.

I have to tell you the truth. But you are too ugly for it.

I love you as I do all - not at all.

Play and be happy.

The easiest way to remember your future wife’s birthday is to marry her on Super Bowl Sunday.

To claim that one can never live a positive life with a negative mind is a very negative claim to make!

When a female cop pull you over for speeding, to get out of the ticket, talk nice to her, try to flirt or start crying, i bet she will save the ticket for you.

The fastest way to end an argument with your wife is to admit she’s right.

An inch to a man’s heart is a mile to his wallet.

I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married.