My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

The dead tread softly... And those stalking the living tread even more lightly.

The fire that burns against the cold.

The hands of the clock are ever in the hands of God. It is arrogant to plan without planning for God.

A wise fellow who is also worthless always charms the rabble.

I believe that a creative career is only as good as the risks that you take with it.

If one took no chances, one would not fly at all. Safety lies in the judgment of the chances one takes.

He stepped forward, took a deep breath, and doubled over in a sneezing fit. My werewolf was allergic to tortoises. Why me?

When one's ideas are not challenged, one's ability to defend them weakens.

There's no point in being complete on the outside when you're broken in the inside.

Close by the Rights of Man, at the least set beside them, are the Rights of the Spirit.