Steven Wright Quotes

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

always remember your unique, just like everone else

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.

Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

What's another word for thesaurus?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.