Scott Adams Quotes

The human population is 90% gullible, violence-prone dipshits.

Hard work is rewarding. Taking credit for other people's hard work is rewarding and faster.

The only risk of failure is promotion.

The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.

Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information.

If you spend all your time arguing with people who are nuts, you'll be exhausted and the nuts will still be nuts.

The best part about being my age is in knowing how my life worked out.

Your best work involves timing. If someone wrote the best hip hop song of all time in the Middle Ages, he had bad timing.

Women are treated differently by society for exactly the same reason that children and the mentally handicapped are treated differently.

One way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be dead.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

If I liked food and disliked exercise as much as a 400 pound guy, I'd be a 400 pound guy.

We must develop knowledge optimization initiatives to leverage our key learnings.

No matter how many times I visit New York City, I am always struck by the same thing - a yellow taxicab.

'Dilbert' became popular during the downsizing of the '90s, and job security was a major theme of the strip.

There's kind of a toll you have to pay with a cat; if you don't pet her for 10 minutes she'll bother you for six hours.

Good advertising can make people buy your product even if it sucks ... A dollar spent on brainwashing is more cost-effective than a dollar spent on product improvement.

Everything you learn becomes a shortcut for understanding something else.

The day you realize that your efforts and rewards are not related, it really frees up your calendar.

To err is human. To cover it up is weasel.

I used to be stupid but I've turned that situation around 360 degrees.

Blogging is like work, but without coworkers thwarting you at every turn.

I get mail; therefore I am.

The longer you verk here, diverse it gets.

Science is a good thing. News reporters are good things too. But it's never a good idea to put them in the same room.

When did ignorance become a point of view?

As a rule, I don't like to laugh at the misfortune of others. The exception to that rule is if it's really, really funny.

We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.

You can change only what people know, not what they do.

The best way to compile inaccurate information that no one wants is to make it up.

Dogbert: Scientists have discovered the gene that makes some people love golf. Dilbert: How can they tell it's the golf gene? Dogbert: It's plaid and it lies.

Beware of those who try to sell you simple answers to complex questions.

Large corporations welcome innovation and individualism in the same way the dinosaurs welcomed large meteors.

Failure is where success likes to hide in plain sight.

And bring me a hard copy of the Internet so I can do some serious surfing.

No matter how smart you are, you spend much of your day being an idiot.

People are so conditioned to take sides that a balanced analysis looks to them like hatred.

I'm surrendering myself to the realities of the Internet.

In case the rest of you missed it, the inspirational speech was: 'If you work hard, you can achieve great things. And then you die'.

I discovered what I call the Bill Gates effect. That is, the more successful you are, the uglier you get.

Every year, it takes more brains to navigate this complicated world. More people are falling below what I call the 'incompetence line' through no fault of their own.

On the fourth day of telecommuting, I realized that clothes are totally unnecessary.

When life gives you lemons... choke on them and die... you stupid lemon eater.

I was busier than a beaver in a coffee lake.

For five hundred dollars, I'll name a subatomic particle after you. Some of my satisfied customers include Arthur C. Quark and George Meson.

I try to avoid giving advice.

Aim low, reach your goals, and avoid disappointment.

Good ideas have no value because the world already has too many of them. The market rewards execution, not ideas.

The main difference between marketing and fraud is that criminals have to pay for their own alcohol.