J. B. Colbert Quotes

I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.

Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done, except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all.

What the right-wing in the United States tries to do is undermine the press.

Vodka eyeballing sounds great, but it's a slippery slope. Next, you'll be scotch nostriling, tequila nippling and, before you know it, Jager tainting.

The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun

Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

You CAN make an omelette without breaking eggs. It's just a really bad omelette.

If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government's been hiding.

We have no desire to make anybody look like a blithering idiot, but we do love it when they do.

The stars you see at night are the unblinking eyes of sleeping elephants, who sleep with one eye open to best keep watch over us.

Feather to fire,fire to blood Blood to bone,bone to marrow Marrow to ashes,ashes to snow...

Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus or minus the facts.

After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it!

If I couldn't laugh, I'd rather die.

Take away the Big Bang and what has God done? Burned a bush and got a girl pregnant. Great, he's a high school junior.

Everybody loves dogs. They're the pizza of the animal kingdom.

There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).

Young girls are obsessed with having a thigh gap. I blame the impossible body standards set by Spongebob.

My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.

I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical.

I'm not a fan of the facts. Facts change; my opinion never does.

There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.

If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.

Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics.

The shamrock is a religious symbol. St. Patrick said the leaves represented the trinity: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. That's why four leaf clovers are so lucky, you get a bonus Jesus.

It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise.

Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.

Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return.

Most of us don't know about happiness until it's over.

When a king creates an office, Providence creates immediately a fool to buy it.

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

Agnostics are just atheists without balls.

Will Herman Cain become the first black President that I acknowledge? I call him a dark horse because he's an unlikely candidate who surged forward, and not because he's a horse.

Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway.

I do my show half-hour a night four nights a week. I haven't seen my kids in 18 months, and I am losing calcium in my bones. Doctors say I should stop. I'm not going to.

Cynics always say no. Saying yes leads to knowledge. So for as long as you have the strength to, say yes.

Class is a way of looking at society that divides people into different categories based on how much money they're willing to make.

If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.

Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.

Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.

NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ

If poor people want food stamps, they should become massive corporations.

What's the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns?

If a poor family falls on hard times in the woods, and no one is around to care, did it really happen?

If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it's the sole reason they exist.

I scream, you scream, we all scream... for the truth.

There's nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? The mother.

In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.

I love being onstage. I love the relationship with the audience. I love the letting go, the sense of discovery, the improvising.