Take away the Big Bang and what has God done? Burned a bush and got a girl pregnant. Great, he's a high school junior.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

When a person screams in pain, the actual pain is only half the noise they make. The other half is the terror at being forced to accept that they exist.

I realize, for the first time, how very lonely I've been in the arena. How comforting the presence of another human being can be.

The brilliant thing about baseball is you're never really out of it - things can turn around in this game so quickly.

I love the silhouettes of the '50s that were feminine and womanly without being too revealing. I've always gravitated towards that kind of sense of style and fashion.

Hindsight is the historian's necessary vice.

What means this glory round our feet, The Magi mused, "more bright than morn!" And voices chanted clear and sweet, "To-day the Prince of Peace is born.

It's not very long ago that we were all singing country music. And country music is equally black as it is white and that's important to recognize.

The idea of the writer/producer in television is much younger than people think it is.

We, as a society, we have PhDs in victimizing a victim.

You have to lead people to get excited and be passionate and be activated by what you do.