Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Pure heart begets pure body, soul and spirit.

Sure, life as we know it is enough. But life as we don’t know it? That’s where the magic awaits. That’s where second chances abound.

A tear cringed off his cheek and stained her writing on the paper. He didn’t wipe it, men must be honest and transparent, they should never wipe their tears.

Oh, so you see some chick in baggy jeans and a hoodie, and you just have to have her so bad, you decide to repeat high school, just to get her?" "Sounds about right." He laughs.

Falling in love with a house or a car or a pair of shoes, it was a dead end. You save your love for the things that can love you back.

As hard as I try to sound tough and dark, I still sound cute.

People always say you can't do a red lip if you have red hair but I've never shied away from it. I think you can absolutely do that. It's more about hair colour and complexion.

We all have our security blankets in this world. Some are just sharper than others.

The guys in Kiss use some make up too so at first it was exiting. I've almost stopped using make-up nowadays.

Less government in business and more business in government.